competition
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my work as a Marriage and Family Therapist most of my practice has been working
with couples because after experiencing divorce growing up as a child and again
after a ten year first marriage I decided that my mission is to help people
have successful marriages and families and I thought the best way to do that
would be as a marriage counselor. However what I discovered over the years is
that people generally make appointments with me when its almost too late theyre
on the verge of divorce or it might be a last resort after theres been a lot of
irreversible damage done.How relationships work and how to have a successful
Life Partnership have always been fascinating mysteries to me. One things for
certain times have changed and what used to work doesnt work anymore. The biggest
change in the past 30 years impacting relationships that I can see is that we
have developed a need to be happy. This is a dramatic shift from our parents
and grandparents who were quite satisfied surviving and achieving some measure
of comfort and security. The need for happiness sounds very simple and innocent
but its the primary reason for failed relationships today and the high divorce
rate single parent families mental and physical health problems juvenile
delinquency welfare and so on.While we seek to be happy in relationships we
dont seem to know how. As a result I have seen many people make relationship
choices and fall into traps that prevented them from getting what they want in
their life resulting in unhappiness and relationship failure. A trap is
basically an unsolvable problem that results in unhappiness in a relationship.
Getting out of the trap often means leaving the relationship.When youre single
you can do a lot more than you realize to avoid these traps and prepare for a
successful and lasting relationship as youll see in this article.
1. Marketing
Trap
Believing you need to make yourself more appealing to
attract a partner and selling yourself with attractive packaging and
presentation. High risk of disappointment and relationship failure as people
discover that the excitement and promise of the sizzle conflicts with the
reality of the steak.Solution Authenticity. You will attract compatible people
when you show them who you really are. At the risk of mixing metaphors Birds of
a feather flock together so dont try to look like a prize-winning chicken when
you are your own breed of duck!
2. Scarcity Trap
Believing there is a limited supply of possible partners so
you have to take what you can get or be alone. Results in relationship failure
when you settle for less and compromise your Requirements. A self-fulfilling
prophecy when you get less because you expect less.Solution Define your first
choice of what you really want and persevere. Trust that if you apply yourself
you can get what you really want in your life. You must be able to say No to
what you DONT want to be available to say Yes to what you DO want. You have the
power to choose who what where when and
how and can get what you really want if you make effective choices aligned with
your Vision and Requirements.
3. Compatibility
Trap
Assuming that if you have fun together and get along well
you are compatible and a committed relationship will work. Results in
relationship failure when discovering the vast difference between a fun-focused
recreational dating relationship and a
serious long-term committed relationship. Being so different the process and
criteria for choosing a recreational relationship needs to be very different from
choosing a Life Partner.Solution When you are ready for a Life Partnership
define your Requirements and use them to scout sort and screen potential
partners. Do not try to convert a recreational relationshipinto a committed one
unless 100% of your Requirements are met.
4. Fairytale Trap
Passively expecting your ideal partner to magically appear
and live happily ever after without effort on your part. Believing that finding
your soul mate will just happen. Results in disappointment when the frogs that
happen to jump into your life dont become princes.Solution Take personal
responsibility for your relationship choices and outcomes. Have effective
scouting sorting and screening strategies. Initiate contact and be the Chooser
dont simply react to people that choose you.
5. Date-To-Mate
Trap
Becoming an instant couple as if giving each person you date
an extended test drive. Believing that if you develop an exclusive relationship
with someone you are dating a successful committed relationship will eventually
happen. Other terms for this are Serial Monogamy and the Mini-Marriage.. This
approach is a costly use of time and emotional energy. The inertia in this trap
is pressure to make the relationship work attempt to solve unsolvable problems
and fit the round peg in the square hole because breaking up and being single
again is an undesired outcome.Solution Date a variety of people and have fun
without being exclusive. When you are ready for a committed relationship define
your Requirements and use them as tools to scout sort and screen potential
partners. Make a careful relationship choice and consciously use a
pre-commitment period to determine if this is the right relationship for you.
6. Attraction
Trap
Making relationship choices based on feelings of attraction.
Interpreting a strong attraction to someone as a sign that the relationship is
a good choice and meant to be. This approach results in relationship failure
when unsolvable problems surface because you ignored the red flags while
infatuated. Unconscious choices usually result in repeating unproductive past
patterns.
Solution Balance your attractions by defining your
Requirements and use them to scout sort and screen potential partners. Choose
your lifes mate carefully. From this one decision will come ninety percent of
your happiness or misery.(H. Jackson Brown Jr. from Lifes Little Instruction
Book).
7. Love Trap
Interpreting infatuation attraction need good sex and/or
attachment as Love. If it feels good it must be Love. Love is all you need.
Love conquers all. Results in relationship failure when you discover that love
is not enough to meet your requirements and needs.Solution Make conscious
relationship choices by defining your Requirements and use them to scout sort
and screen potential partners.
8. Rescue Trap
Hoping a relationship will solve your emotional and
financial difficulties and bring you happiness and fulfillment something like
winning the lottery. You avoid taking responsibility for your life challenges
expecting to be rescued from them. Results in desperation neediness and
relationship failure when problems multiply instead of disappear.Solution
Define your Vision for your life and relationship and Live your Vision as a
successful single person. Resolve emotional financial and other problems prior to
seeking a lasting committed relationship. Seek to be in a position of choice
and want rather than need.
9. Co-Dependent
Trap
Expecting someone to love you and give you what you want by
giving them what they want. Attempting to earn love and happiness by
acquiescing giving and helping. Needing to be needed often results in
unconsciously attracting and choosing a relationship with a person that needs
you but you later discover is unable to give you what you want.Solution Define
your Vision and Requirements and choose a closely aligned partner. Learn to be
assertive identify and ask for what you want and need identify and assert
boundaries and develop the ability to say No. Be the Chooser and cautious of
people that choose you!
10. Entitlement
Trap
Believing you deserve to be happy and get what you want in
your life without effort or changes on your part. Results in relationship
failure as you rely on your partner to bring happiness and fulfillment and
inevitably experience disappointment. If you do what youve always done youll
get what youve always got.Solution Take personal responsibility for your life
and relationship. Define your Vision and Life Purpose and live them when
single.
11. Virtual
Reality Trap
Believing that what you see is what you get. Making hasty
long-term relationship decisions based on short-term impressions and inferences
instead of actual experience and knowledge. Results in seeing what you want to
see and relationship failure when later reality doesnt match.Solution Assume
you dont know what you dont know and stay in a pre-commitment stage until you
have solid experience and knowledge that this is the right relationship for
you.
12. Lone Ranger
Trap
Believing that you
dont need anyones help in finding your Life Partner. You evaluate people you
meet for their relationship potential and do not take the opportunity to
cultivate new friends. Results in isolation perception of scarcity of potential
partners and risk of settling for less than what you really want because you
dont want to be alone.Solution Develop a support network/community of friends
of both genders and be supportable by enrolling them to scout for you. competition
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